9/21 reading exercises- organization

I wanted to throw that cat tracker in the burning barrel.

I can be honest.  And for the record, my grade point average while a student here at Montana State University is a 1.99  Care to judge me now?

After some serious epistemological and reflective thought, I had a profound realization.  Ever wonder why you never liked brussel  sprouts?  Those arrogant, detached, self centered Americans?  Ever not like getting a face full of something you felt like you never deserved in the first place?

For me, it has nothing to do with quadrants, getting the ball rolling, a sense of accomplishment, or being cross- culturally sensitive to time obligations.  For well over 500 years, we natives have offended everything from chief executive to squirrels with our understanding to time.  It has to do with roles.

The reason I so vehemently despise, spite, and detest the color coded pencil parties with day planners and organizations [trust me innumerable allies, friends, and colleagues have religiously tried to get me to love and appreciate aforesaid methods] is because my first role was- caregiver.

I was a caregiver.

Starting at the age of fourteen I began to learn how to sacrifice sleep, study times, social/ recreational engagements, and personal leisure.  My grandmother in rapid declining health required all and prodigious care.  That task was split between me and my grandfather.  We would take turns driving my grandma to the dialysis center 3 days a week- that meant sometimes I would be up at 4am shoveling snow off the porch, warming the van, packing the traveling bag, and then driving 80 miles round trip in time to get back to the house so I could get ready for school.  That meant some nights I would lie awake listening to my grandmother rock herself in the squeaky chair listening to make sure she didn't go into diabetic shock because her blood pressure was extremely low and often times required the EMT's to visit the house and haul her up to the hospital off the reservation.  It meant I would wake up in night tremors because I felt my adolescence and romantic love interest curious as to why she never could come visit and hang out with me and why I never took her out properly.  It meant that when my grandfather came home stressed out from his job because he wasn't getting the proper respect at work from the men under him only to come home to the ailing woman he loved with all his heart who was dying from being a type II diabetic, loosing function in both kidneys, and needing triple bypass heart surgery just to see if she could qualify to be on the donor list for  kidney- he needed somebody to take it out on me and I willingly and lovingly took the punishment if it meant that he felt like a man in his own home.

I did that and it helped save lives.  I didn't have the luxury of quadrant I, II, III, or IV.  I never planned for anything because duty and love never permitted it.  If I wanted to love my grandmother to her last breath it meant that I would organize my life around hers.  I looked shaggy, I never matched, my room was always messy, and I never strayed too far away from home.

Do I regret it?  Not at all.  I lovingly and willingly accepted my role as a caregiver.  Do I suffer from it?  Absolutely.

I hate cat trackers, planners, and calenders.

But I'd like to give them a try :)